books

where are all these words coming from

A few months ago I read about the Portuguese word saudade. Wikipedia tells you the word means a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing may never return.

That’s pretty awesome, I thought to myself. Why don’t more people know that word?

Except now that in the last ten or so books I’ve read, saudade has been in five or so of them. Clearly I missed the message that saudade was the it word I was supposed to be using.

Then in Kristen Lavrandsdatter, which didn’t have the word saudade in it, although who knows, perhaps the newer translation does, I learned the word rime, which living in the horrible northern part of the world where I am confident that winter will never end this year and we will be frozen forever, is strange that I didn’t learn this word until now. Wikipedia tells you the word means a white ice that forms when the water droplets in fog freeze to the outer surfaces of objects. It is often seen on trees atop mountains and ridges in winter, when low-hanging clouds cause freezing fog. This fog freezes to the windward (wind-facing) side of tree branches, buildings, or any other solid objects, usually with high wind velocities and air temperatures between −2 and −8 °C (28.4 and 17.6 °F). Another useful word, which, since January, has appeared in four books I’ve read. So I guess I’m expanding my vocabulary.

Then it’s starting to become one of those Reader’s Digest Improve Your Wordpower or whatever that thing is called. I have a friend, for whom English is her third language, but due to spending a lot of time with a dictionary, knows a lot of more obscure or archaic words, which she often puts into conversation to the befuddlement of native English speakers, and I think of her as I am reading The Mask Game, which is not particularly appealing to most people, including myself, and it seems the same thing. The non-English author has an amazing vocabulary, possibly due to dictionary diving, and I look up a word every few pages or so. Some are scientific words, some are possibly made up because they aren’t in my kobo dictionary, some may be transliterated directly from Ukrainian or Russian. This book is long and has aliens in it and ghosts and an inability to pick a verb tense, which I am going to say is not on purpose but due to less-than-stellar copy-editing. I didn’t think this book would be this long, and the claim that it was all done with automatic writing, which Wikipedia tells you is an alleged psychic ability allowing a person to produce written words without physically writing. The words are claimed to arise from a subconscious, spiritual or supernatural source, which seems grossly unfair in that if I could outsource my writing to the spirit world, I would too (and I’m writing a story about faeries right now, so any faeries are welcome to apply), but instead, I’m stuck using my own hands and my own ideas to make stories that don’t use as advanced a vocabulary and are unfinished because of Tesfa snow days and the fact that I write slowly and the fact that I spend most of my time thinking about things that are not useful for writing.

So all the things I don’t know.

shoutout to my favourite girl power kids website

So this is totally 100% unsolicited and because I love them so much: A Mighty Girl. Whenever I can’t think of a good book to read Tesfa, I go to their website and search around. We found Rosie Revere, Engineer from them. We found Franny K. Stein. We found Geoff’s new favourite kids book Zita the Spacegirl.

Sometimes in my small town, where even the school teachers engage in blatant gender essentialism, I feel alone in trying to find exciting and engaging media for Tesfa, who as I mentioned in the previous post, is having some issues with bravery and confidence. But this website makes me feel better and I greatly having books to read that I like reading between some of the books I am less enamored with but Tesfa likes a lot (i.e. Berenstain Bears).

And I have a warm and fuzzy feeling that the acquisitions librarian here also scans A Mighty Girl. While it takes months for new Can-lit to show up in the library system, they almost always have whatever book from A Mighty Girl I’m lusting after that day. Yay library! Yay A Mighty Girl! Yay books!

things change

I’d like to think that it was in high school when I read Choose Me by Evelyn Lau, in my last year of high school, but the publication date inside says 1999, so it’s possible I was organized enough and that there was a book review so I learned about it (did The Ottawa Citizen used to do book reviews? I think so) and I put it on hold at the library or maybe it was just on the shelf already, but, at the same time, my last year of high school I was so pulled in all directions that I might have read this book the next year when I was in Ottawa on a co-op term (at which point I vowed never to work for the Government of Canada again, except I broke that promise ten years later only to realize that I should have stuck with my ban on working for the feds forever). But whenever I read it, I read it and wanted to be a writer after reading it.

There’s a story in it, Suburbia, where Belinda has left graduate school, and the first time I read that story I told myself I won’t be like that. I won’t just quit graduate school for dumb reasons, and I didn’t quit graduate school for dumb reasons, even though I probably should have left because I was unhappy (although, can one imagine the angst I would have had over doing that – I have enough angst regarding quitting academia/research). But, reading the story now, I’m sort of Belinda-esque, floating unmoored. So quitting graduate school or not has nothing to do with drift. Drift just comes.

I didn’t like this book as much as I did when I was either 19 or 20, the other time I read it. What I’d been thinking was that some of my stories were, in some way, theft from Lau’s here, but now I don’t see as much of a resemblance as I’ve built up in my head (and not theft as in plagiarism, but some sort of spiritual theft of feeling and emotion). I had a story I wrote much later that I was pretty sure was reworking of a story in Choose Me and when I got to that story, mine wasn’t like that at all other than it had a professor and a student, like so many of my stories because of the years and years I spent in school. Maybe I’ll rewrite my story then. I don’t have a copy of it anywhere, but I know what happened enough to recreate it. Or maybe I’ll just let it go. Drift some more.

I’d remembered these stories so much in my head and then they were different. Things change.

Reading Around the World – Norway

Norway: Kristin Lavrandatter by Sigrid Undset

Thoughts: So sometime in, I’ll say December, someone I know posted a link to a list of books about strong women to read your daughters (I don’t know why we can’t read books about strong women to our children but that’s a whole other rant), and I’d try to find it on his facebook feed, except he posts like 800 things a day. Maybe it was on mental floss, I can’t remember? So Kristin Lavrandatter and I thought to myself Hey, that sounds interesting, so I put it on hold at the library and a week later in it came and into the library went I and saw that it was an 1100 page book in small font and tissue-thin paper and I then thought to myself I just fucking finished War and Peace, but checked it out anyway, in part because I didn’t want the librarian to get annoyed at me for having brought the book in through the library-loan system only to have me not take it out, and then it sat on my book-and-chapstick table (what some people call a night stand, except mine is overflowing with books and chapstick) for two renewals, and then it had to go back to the library in a week and a half, so I took a deep breath, cracked open the very broken spine (the library’s copy is from the 1960s, it isn’t the nice new Penguin translation that came out a few years ago), and started to read.

Now, having finished the 1100 page book in ten days, I must say that Kristin Lavrandatter has some things going way more for it than War and Peace:

  1. the font is bigger than War and Peace so I didn’t get eyestrain and headaches from reading it;
  2. Kristin is only about 50% as silly as any of the female characters in War and Peace. She is still annoyingly silly, but it isn’t as bad;
  3. there is no Tolstoi spew. There is no Undset spew. Basically, stuff happens the whole time with no philosophical digressions. Sometimes the priests admonish someone (it is a very religious book), but it is usually only a paragraph here or there, not like the last 100 pages or anything where there are no characters and only Tolstoi telling you what he’s already said about sixteen times previously throughout the novel.

That being said, War and Peace is probably still a deeper book, but in terms of what I liked, I liked Kristin Lavrandatter so much more.

Cons: The middle section drags and drags. I had a hard time keeping the Norwegian/Swedish royalty straight in my mind. There are many people who have very similar names and having a few family trees in the front might have been helpful (perhaps this is included in the new Penguin edition).

But now I’m done and I have that book hangover one gets after finishing a long book with characters that one grows attached too. And now I have no excuse to go around talking like a character from the book, i.e. Ere ‘tie aught I trowed, yet liefer do I now suspect more. Or, I suppose, I still could. Considering it.

Rating: 4.5/5

Previous Readings Around the World.

she’s just a small town girl

I

Every few months I get a letter from my website hosting company with a coupon for google ads, and to make me feel that they really care about me as a person, they always personalize the letter with such information as they can find on my billing statement.

So every few months, I get a chipper letter saying Hey Meghan Rose (and I’ll stop you right there – no one calls me Meghan Rose anymore, even though I still sign my name like that, and the only reason I sign my name like that is that in high school, the registrar messed up and put my full name in the What you like to be called column and I discovered it was easier to just let teachers call me that rather than explain, every year, that some secretary had switched the two columns for me. So unless my high school Calculus teacher Mr Brown has since moved to Utah to run a webhosting service, I’m pretty sure that this is just robotic scanning of billing information).

But back to the letter: Hey Meghan Rose, Ever wonder how many people in NAME OF TOWN I LIVE IN* are searching for exactly what you have to offer?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I can answer that for you. There are 5558 people in the town I live in according to StatsCan. And I’ll bet zero of them are looking for someone who writes literary short stories. But thanks for trying.

* I’m not actually going to say the town I live in, but I think I have before, so someone could probably figure it out if she were so inclined.

II

I went to the library yesterday. The librarian had locked himself out of his computer system, but said I could just take my books out anyway, which may be pretty awesome because now I have far too many library books out, but if some of the books I have out don’t go into the system, then I’ll have a longer time to read them.

I’m pretty sure though, if there were more than 5558 people in my town, I probably wouldn’t be allowed to just take books out of the library without actually taking them out.

And I’m also pretty sure the librarian knows me as the creepy girl who takes out too many books. But that’s okay, because that’s what I am.

remember that time I threw my life away?

Today I bought this book: Moving On: Essays on the Aftermath of Leaving Academia. A while ago, I saw the call to submit, but didn’t. I thought maybe I should, but I don’t know if I have anything meaningful to say. I don’t even know if I’ll manage to read the book, but bought it more out of solidarity, because here is my confession: I am still horribly ashamed that I left academia.

It doesn’t matter that I was ill-suited for a job as a professor or that I never really committed to being an academic. It doesn’t matter that I wrote papers and went to conferences, the entire time the inside of my palms cut to ribbons from digging my nails in so deep to keep from screaming. It doesn’t matter that all I really enjoyed about academia was having license to work quietly by myself and learn things, something that I can do now as a writer without all the additional stress of being in a university setting.

What does matter is that I hate the way people look at me when I say I have a PhD but no, I’m not working at the university in town. What matters is that I hate the way some of the other child-free academics talked down to me because if my husband has a PhD and I have a kid, then I couldn’t possibly be anything more than a child-minder. What matters is that I feel like I let my gender down because I was a woman in STEM and I quit and now my husband is the primary breadwinner, although the $100 I made from writing last year did cover the cost of two tanks of gas.

I made a mistake. I admitted it. I got out before I made more mistakes. And having a Phd in Mathematics is a pretty good fall-back option.

Still, why do I feel so ashamed about walking away from the academy?

I’ll let you all know if I ever manage to steel myself up to read the book.

2013: end of year booking

Because I used to be a mathematician, there are charts.

I read 108 books in 2013, mainly novels.

typeOfBook

In 2012, I read over 150 books, so this was a slower year for me. I plead that I read both Swann’s Way and War and Peace and that took up much time.


I stuck to English a lot.

language


When I did venture out of English, I did as below.

nonEnglish


In terms of gender:

gender


In terms of Canadianess, which is rather vague, basically encompassing a wide variety of born Canadian, chosen Canadian, living in Canada, etc.

canadian


Ratings from zero to five, although I’m pretty sure that you can’t give a zero on librarything so maybe from 0.5 to 5, not that there were any 0.5 rankings in 2013.

rating


And here is a list of the 4.5 and 5 star books I read in 2013 (alphabetically).

  1. Life After Life by Kate Atkinson
  2. HHhH by Laurent Binet
  3. The Orenda by Joseph Boyden
  4. World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks
  5. Drunk Mom: A Memoir by Jowita Bydlowska
  6. The Rotters’ Club by Jonathan Coe
  7. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
  8. The Lightning Field by Heather Jessup
  9. The Vanishers by Heidi Julavits
  10. The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver
  11. Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella
  12. Bobcat and Other Stories by Rebecca Lee
  13. Anastasia Again by Lois Lowry
  14. Now We Are Six by A. A. Milne
  15. When We Were Very Young by A. A. Milne
  16. Little Children by Tom Perrotta
  17. The Wives of Bath by Susan Swan
  18. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
  19. Ru by Kim Thúy
  20. The Story of Lucy Gault by William Trevor
  21. By Blood by Ellen Ullman
  22. The Pale King by David Foster Wallace
  23. Sorry Please Thank You: Stories by Charles Yu

Awards!

Best novel (in English): The Rotters’ Club by Jonathan Coe. I’ve read this book before and I still love it. I could just wrap myself up in it forever.

Best novel (in translation): HHhH by Laurent Binet. I’d previously thought The Kindly Ones was the contemporary Holocaust novel. I was wrong, and Binet completely savages The Kindly Ones as well (Houellebecq does Nazism).

Best novel (Canadian): The Lightning Field by Heather Jessup. Just such a kind-hearted novel with a formica tabletop within.

Best short story collection: Bobcat and Other Stories by Rebecca Lee. Every story was perfect. I am jealous.

Best not-a-fiction-book: Drunk Mom: A Memoir by Jowita Bydlowska. I read lots of books about flawed parents. Then I feel better/worse/the same/everything all at once.

I’m hoping for 125 books in 2014. We’ll see. Hopefully I can steer away from the stack of Solzhenitsyn sitting on my shelf, whose reading would slow me down to a snail’s crawl.

why I would fail at being an English major

There be spoilers in this post for Pride and Prejudice. Ignore at your own peril.

Confession: I am thirty-three years old and read constantly and only two weeks ago did I read my first book by Jane Austen and … I did not enjoy the experience.

So I read Pride and Prejudice as the first book I read on my kobo (aside: can I say the thing I like best about my kobo is the chibi loading up screen of the happy faced little kobo?) I don’t understand. Everyone seems so horrible, like actually horrible people pretending to like each other and then gossiping viciously about them behind their backs, for example Jane and Bingley’s sisters or Mrs Bennet and the Lucases. No one seems particularly sympathetic. All the women seem rather frivolous and silly, even the ones that are pointed out as not being frivolous nor silly like Jane and Elizabeth.

Read it as a satire, Geoff said. I think it’s supposed to be a satire on manners not actually masking the horribleness of people. Since Geoff comes from a long line of English majors and professors and writers and people who got in feuds with Evelyn Waugh, I tried to take his advice … and still did not enjoy the experience.

Why are there so many characters? I’m pretty sure Mary said two lines in the whole book. Why does Bingley have two sisters when I’m pretty sure one says nothing at all? What is the difference between Catherine and Lydia other than Lydia runs off with Wickham, and since Catherine does almost nothing, couldn’t she be excised? I thought long and hard on the five sisters problems and settled upon the Bennets needed to be wealthy enough to be part of society but have too many daughters to pay good dowries. Maybe that’s my over-reaching. What do I know, I’m not an English major.

And Lydia’s marriage skeeves me out. Rather her married to a rake and a thief and a liar than have shame befall the family. The horror!

There’s no depth to any characters. Most of them remind me of the puppets Tesfa makes at school – those cut out paper heads pasted to popsicle sticks wiggling around. The romance doesn’t warm the coldness that is my heart of stone. The arrogance and ill-temperedness of everyone involved makes me want to throw my copy across the room (which I won’t, see reading on kobo above).

And I read this book last week and I still am having trouble remembering names and what happened, etc., using this website as a cheat sheet. And I’ve seen adaptations of Pride and Prejudice before too, and still reading the plot doesn’t stick in my head. I must have a gaping hole that stories like this fall down into and get suppressed. What is wrong with me that I do not enjoy the most loved novel in the English language?

Since Jane Austen is dead, it is unlikely that I will get a message from her about my unhappy review, but I’ve probably turned off something like 98% of the literate world with my bafflement of why people like this novel. I’m sorry. There is something clearly amiss in my brain.

so I wrote a bad book review and this is what happened

A few weeks ago, I started porting over my reviews from librarything to goodreads, not because I’m planning on jumping ship, but I thought that having some reviews up on goodreads would help me win some ARC because I like free books. I moved over a review of a book that I hadn’t particularly enjoyed, but I tried to keep the review constructive. I pointed out things that I thought were factual errors or misleading (i.e. calling Calgary a remote Canadian town) or seemed odd in the context of a novel being in Canada (for example, discussing Quebec seceding from the union, which, since Canada is a dominion rather than a union and every Canadian I’ve ever met in my thirty-plus years of meeting Canadians says Quebec separating from Canada, I found seceding from the union an odd thing to have written in the book). I also said what I found frustrating: long sentences I found hard to follow and too many subplots which detracted from the most interesting one.

So I put up a lone bad review for this book. Other people seemed to enjoy it. I didn’t, and considering I have a post in the works explaining why I didn’t like most-loved-novel-in-the-English-language Pride and Prejudice, maybe I’m just a horrible person to book-please.

Then the author of the book emailed me to take issue with my review.

So is this what we’re doing now? We email people if we don’t like our reviews on a social-reading site? This is not something I’ve had to encounter since my stuff on goodreads and librarything have zero reviews (and on librarything, I am the only one to have added my story).

So I took what the author said, edited my review as appropriate (for example, he said the publisher had put in that Calgary was remote, so I edited my review regarding that, and for some of the other points, I put that the author and I had agreed to disagree). I also put that I had updated my review based on conversation with the author at the bottom, so people know why it changed. The author’s email wasn’t mean, but it still left me feeling off.

Not everyone likes my stuff. I know this for a fact because family members have said to me “I don’t like your story.” Or I’ve had many stories rejected from journals. Then I feel a bit sad, but I don’t send an email justifying some of my decisions to them. Or trying to prove my credentials. It hurts, I know, to have people not like your things, but now all I feel is really wary of posting reviews if I’m going to get, even well-intentioned, emails where people want me to understand that I am wrong. And won’t it look odd, in terms of the author, that I’ve updated my review saying that he contacted me regarding it? Doesn’t that make him look pushy or whiny? If I did the same thing (emailing someone about a bad review), would it be more negatively gendered, like I am definitely churlish and thin-skinned whereas maybe this author is confident and ready-to-stand-up-for-himself? Maybe I should just do like Lee Siegel and stop writing negative reviews all together, only talk about the positive. I admit I could have said more complimentary things about the bad-review book, and I didn’t. But the book frustrated me and that is a valid thing to say in a review.

So I feel bad. Geoff thinks it’s insane that I feel bad because a stranger emailed me. But I do. And maybe I won’t be reviewing much on librarything or goodreads for the next little while.

not much

As in, what have I been up to.

I haven’t been sleeping well and with not sleeping well goes dreaming and my dreams are vivid and stick with me all day. Don’t worry, I am not going to go against my cardinal rule of not talking about dreams because they are boring, but rather than thinking of stories or fixing stories I have, I spend my time sitting and thinking about the vividness of my dreams where I am often alone and it is almost always the white sun that one gets closer to the equator. Not the yellow winter sun we have now. Would have now if it wasn’t snowing or icing or cloudy for days on end, enough that we now have a roof rake to rake the snow accumulating off our roof.

The stores are filled with Christmas shoppers. I have one present left to get and abandoned today’s plans to do so when the line of cars snaked out of the parking lot. Maybe before the new deluge scheduled for tomorrow, I will walk. I’d walk now but the sidewalks are only half-plowed. I’d send Geoff, but the present is for him.

Didn’t you already read that book? Geoff asks me.

Like eight years ago I reply.

Just checking. Don’t want to think I’m going crazy. Geoff wanders away.

I’ll go back to thinking about my dreams now.